The Scarecrow for Whom the Bells Toll
by LovelyFarron
Summary: Kakashi struggles to survive in a world where his best friends are dead. The ghost of the woman that loved him haunts him and he can only see one option if he is to continue living: forget her. SPOILERS for recent manga chapters.


Anime/manga: Naruto

Pairing: Kakashi/Rin

Genre: Romance/angst

Rating: T

A/N: I wanted to see what Rin's name meant and did a little digging. It turns out that there are many meanings for the name Rin, but I'm going with "bell" because of the bell test.

The Scarecrow for Whom the Bells Toll

1

"_Kakashi…"_

_Her eyes, wide with shock. Her thin, pale lips painted dark red. Her face, once filled with happiness and joy, the flush of a young woman in blood; her face, turned to stony sadness after the death of her teammate and friend; her face, now etched with pain and the taste of death. They are seared into his brain, burned into his memory, to haunt him whenever he closes his eyes, to torment him whenever he tries to rest._

_And her voice, the last words she spoke…_

_Kakashi._

_His name, now a curse._

_Kakashi._

Kakashi's eyes flew open, heart pounding wildly as he pushed himself up off of his bed. His body was covered in a cool sheen of sweat, shaking violently from the nightmare he had just awoken from. His breath came in short, panicked gasps and his stomach was turning something fierce. The blankets he had been sleeping under were in disarray; half on the floor, half covering his semi-clothed body.

_Kakashi._

His eyes opened even wider, although only one was visible, the sharingan covered by thick bandages. He whipped his head around, searching for the phantom voice that tormented his soul, calling him from the black void known as death. Of course no one was there, as always, but that didn't stop him from getting his hopes up, from thinking for a second that everything was just a horrible, horrible dream, that the boy he'd let die and the girl he'd murdered were still alive, waiting for him outside his door with cheesy smiles and corny jokes. But they were not.

The young man closed his eyes, trying to get his breathing and heart back under his control. He was a shinobi, a harbinger of death himself. He had killed and brought this terrible hollow feeling upon others; why should he be exempt from it?

_Because I let down my first friend and killed the woman that loved me._

Kakashi winced as a dagger of guilt sliced through his abdomen and up into the tender organ that worked day and night to keep him alive. It pierced him, dug through him, shattered into a thousand shards and that lodged themselves in random directions, working to keep him rooted to the spot, frozen in silent agony, locked in an eternal embrace of pain.

It would never get better, no matter what his sensei said. No offense to Minato, but he had not witnessed one of his friends dying before his prime, had not been gifted with the precious gift of life at the cost of another's, had not had to plunge his hand through the only person that had bothered to see through his thick armor to the tormented and guilt-ridden boy beneath.

Kakashi moved, gritting his teeth as his stomach did flip-flops. He felt weak, tired, and old beyond his teenage years. Slowly he made his way to the refrigerator and opened the door, the chill of the morning creeping in through the various cracks in his home and half-opened window and tickling his bare chest. He didn't feel it however; he didn't feel much of anything anymore. He was dead, inside and out. The only reason he even ate still was because he had to in order to do the only thing he knew how to do anymore—fight.

Bending over, he scanned the contents of the fridge. There was barely anything inside and he made a mental note to go to the store after his meeting with Minato. He grabbed the milk, opened it, paused as a sour smell attacked his nose, and looked at the expiration date.

Yikes.

A shopping date was _definitely _in order. But old milk couldn't kill him…right? Shrugging, Kakashi set it on the table, deciding that he could perhaps drown out the nasty taste with some super sugary cereal. He walked over to his pantry and looked inside it, his mouth settling into a grim line when he realized just how badly he needed to go shopping. He had run out of his favorite cereal and all that was left were the bland, tasteless healthy kinds that he bought with the intention of improving his diet only to give in to his sweet tooth the next morning when he went to prepare breakfast. Letting out a defeated sigh, he grabbed one and shut the door, retrieving a clean bowl and spoon from the sink as he went. Settling into his chair at the table, he poured the cereal, his reveled eye twitching in disgust as the little brown flakes settled in the white ceramic bowl. Looking at the milk, he decided against, preferring not to mix two unpalatable tastes.

Resolutely, Kakashi began to eat, his tongue screaming at him as his taste buds cried in protest.

_Rin wouldn't have let me get to this state._

The thought jolted Kakashi, his mouth clamping down tightly on the mouthful of flakes. His hand gripped the silver spoon tightly, and if it had been made of lesser stuff it would have snapped in half.

_Rin wouldn't have let me get to this state._

It was a true statement, and an alarming one.

Who was it that had made sure that he was eating healthy? Who was it that had listened to him after Obito's death? Who was it that had tried to soothe him and beat down his self-loathing? Who was it that had always greeted him with a smile, be it rain or shine, be it in the midst of training or the heat of battle?

_Rin…_

Kakashi slammed his hands down on the table and stood up, anger making his heart throb and blood boil.

"Dammit!" he screamed. "Why? Why did they have to do that to you Rin? Why did they have to make me kill you?"

There was no response of course, and Kakashi suddenly felt very foolish for his outburst. Looking down in shame, he fought the tears that wanted to pour down his face. It wasn't fair—it wasn't! He had to block it all, blot out her existence, erase her from his heart and mind. He had to forget if he was to survive, but how could he? How could he just forget her?

Without bothering to finish the rest of his breakfast, Kakashi threw on clothes, making sure that his mask was covering his nose and mouth and that his forehead protector was secure before heading out.

It was going to be a long day.


End file.
